a bit of sanity/insanity and Attention Deficit.

I think my dear husband might be worried about my mental state of being.
After 3 months of hives, chest pain, etc....
Six doctors prescribing "tests"
all of which coming back "normal"
and me....  just not being me
My dear man finalgled a plan with my little southern sister
for a weekend getaway.

Normally the guilt would kick in.
I'd fret about the $.
I'd fret over him having to be dad alone... all weekend.
I'd fret about being away....

but this
felt - wonderful!

So I prepared.  and flew south
I arrived to my dear sister showing me my shared room
with little Bridgy.
and...  my care package (which...  in my stupidity didn't clue in to until late that night.  THAT is just a peep at where my brain has been.... I'm still looking)

 I was supplied with water
(apparently Texas has pond tasting water...  yuck)
some treats (my favorite gummy bears and recess peanut butter eggs.  YUMMM)
a bath squooshy.  :)
ear plugs from Bridgette... clever little thing.
and notes attached telling me of my charges, and reasoning behind each item
(drooling in sarcasm.  love it!)

 some aunt Joanie cuddle time.  Love.  Love.  Love.
this little chunk chunk... and his tiny big sister were heaven.

 my LOVELY sister Nellie.
She is my style guru.
She is so incredibly talented.
She is hilarious
She is the funnest mommy on this side of the moon.
and... it makes my heart ache that she's alone... still trying to make friends in a big town.
I dearly adore her.
want to move there to be with her and her wee ones.

This is me.  out shopping with the chunk.

This little treasure?
I found for my little Sydney Leigh....
her obsession.
(didn't buy it however 
instead I bought her a
I LOVE BOYS WITH ACCENTS tee.) 

































I was so sad to leave my sis.  and her little ones.
But.  I missed my family.
Upon returning home
my Mike had cleaned the entire house.
Had done every tiny bit of laundry.
and...
had (with the help of Syd and Pudge) bought me roses.

I came home
I dropped off my bags
gave a hat to my boys....
& then
- My guy took me out for Sushi
(who does that for their wife when she's been gone on a weekend vacation....  ???!)

I am so blessed.
almost 20 years of marriage.
and he is my favorite person in the world.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so how nuts have I been?
crazy.  forgetful.  stressed.
I walked into work and two days in a row
I was (lovingly & appreciated) the subject of an intervention.
at separate moments
therapy was offered.

"you look thrashed.  I'm really worried.  will you go get more tests done?  are you pushing yourself too hard?  you're doing amazing.  I'm so proud of you.  you look and sound so exhausted.  can I give you a name of someone?  do you think you have anxiety?  have you had your heart checked out?"

oh man.


confirmation is sometimes harsh...  but knowing someone sees outside what you're feeling inside...

I know the weight won't come off...
I know my skin is aging
I know this.  it's frustrating.  right?
(menopause maybe?  @ 39 -- is that too early?  can I line up a psychologist who works with a plastic surgeon who is in communication with a personal trainer who will put me in contact w/ someone who will train me on how to talk to my college professors, letting them know that they should understand that there is a method to teaching that is respectful...  and stop acting like some of them are God's plan to put me through a semester of hellish work?....  which only will lead me back to the earlier mentioned psychologist....  I know.  They are just doing their job to their best ability.  stop whining.  ok.  I'll stop whining.  see?  where's that head doctor when you need him?  chocolate anyone?  My hips are begging to get bigger, my buttox is dreaming of a bigger size.  UGH!  STOP! PLEASE!!  thank you.)



I went back to work on Tuesday.
checking my mail box.

my heart smiled ...
to find this
a week after Valentines day:

I almost shed a tear

right there at work

but knowing I might look a little bit ...

crazy...

I took a photo and emailed Mike instead.

who replied something to the point of

"we have the coolest son.  he loves his mom."

speaking of wonderfulness....

Jean, our secretary is the most amazingly loving and caring person.

doing quite acts of kindness.

giving huge amounts of service behind a shadow wall.

she prepared this for all the employees @ our school
(on the Monday before Valentines Day:)

on this same day

what a joyous sound

to have my guy run to his dad 

proudly displaying this work of ... crafting

his valentines day box

while exclaiming:

"I HAVE THE COOLEST MOM EVER!"

those are the little things that can help make my heavy feet walk
my anxious heart beat
and my foggy over crowded mind clear up for a short moment.

So......

thank you Pudger for thinking your mom was THE COOLEST.
thank you Jean and Stacie and Jen for your caring thoughts and inspirational advice.
thank you Jodi for kind and encouraging words.
&
thank you Nellie for knowing that a sister just needs someone to sister them.  to let them know that they are worth a million dollars.  that their opinion isn't null - that their thoughts are worth a thousand kind and supportive words.
&
THANK YOU My Mike for knowing exactly what I need ALL of the time.
for knowing when I'm going to break.
for backing me up even when your beliefs aren't on the same bridge
for letting me talk
for pushing me when I need pushing, and pulling me back when I'm headed for a bottomless hole.
and for understanding ---- me.