Monday, September 9, 2013

A New Direction - A New Vision


The rain today sent our trash sailing away
with much strength, David - taking a day off of volunteering @ the Bishop's Store House
brought it up stream back to a solid spot away from the rapid flow of water flooding our street

It was a great rainstorm

We are back in Arizona.
It's weird.

I cried for days moving away from this place
and to come back....

it was much more difficult for me than leaving.

I found MY TRUE SELF in Utah
I found who I am meant to be
I found who I want to be

& now
I'm losing her.
It's a scary thing to lose something you were so sure about

I have a mental collage
depicting 10 women who transformed me into who I am now
the me I love
the me my husband knew I could become

it's hard losing THAT person

this past weekend I got in touch with my dear friend Brook
who has taken some amazing photos of LDS temples
I needed one for my wall
I have frames lying all over my house
on the floors
against floor boards
not knowing where they should be displayed
but this...  it already has a perfect spot.

the one sure thing



mentally
physically
I haven't settled in yet

my house/my mind/my state of being
is in complete disarray.
(my poor husband....)

Brook reminded me about her path to finding herself
her vision of who she wanted to become
Visionboard
on top of this grand advice
I read her blog post about when it's time to let go
take on a new adventure:

"It would be easy to live a great story, have it end, and go into a depression. . .After celebrating may come an appropriate season of grieving.  You can archive your memories and reflect on them but at some point say goodbye to that story and move on.  This is where a lot of people get into trouble.  They don't move on and so [they] fall back into the existential vacuum.  When I say move on, I mean start planning the next story.  In order to stay in Logotherapy [therapy by Victor Frankl] we need to have ambition we're working toward, some conflict to overcome and a climactice scene that is pulling us forward.  Treat your stories like swinging ropes in a trapeze.  When you let go of one, reach out for the next and continue moving forward."
(you can read Brook's experience HERE - it's wonderful!)
and I think she gave me that tiny push I needed

then by pure wonderful luck
my classmate/friend/confidant calls me
she must have known I needed a good laugh
and needed to hear a friendly voice
she called with stories
of fantastic drama
making me an included person of the going ons in math class 2020
where I would be if we hadn't taken on this new adventure

I LOVE these faces

I dislike the stress of math - however math with her
made if bearable and exciting... hilarious... unexpected.

and when all else fails.
a text from my (not by blood) sister

to help me carry on....
letting me know she thinks of me when she sees this @ the store:


Oh happy moment...
of course if it was my Mike on that cover... even better.

So with life getting into somewhat of a normal mode
I hope that other's expectations of me do not exceed what I can give
It's those first impressions of
"she's a go getter"... (I'm not)
"she's on the ball"... (not quite)
"she's can handle a ton of pressure" ... (not.  even.  close.)
"she's got a head on her shoulders" .... (a head full of anxiety and uneasiness... does that count?)

I can only be me.
but I need to let go of my old life.
treasure it.
treasure those that framed and helped me compose it
love them
keep them in my circle of true friends
and with their help from afar away....
move.  forward.
keeping them oh so close
(via the wonderful invention of cell phones/face time/etc...)
yet let go of the finely weathered rope & reach out for the next one
waiting for it's fine weathering to be perfected.

to be continued.......................


4 comments:

  1. It's weird right? Feeling torn between two places! I can relate. Excited about the prospect of moving forward but mourning what you leave behind. I think we are blessed to have the kind of people in our lives that make it hard to move away. Don't lose who you are...embrace your awesomeness in a new place with new people while staying connected to your "old" friends!!! <3

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    1. Btw...since right now you're saying to yourself...ummmmmm who is this?! Yep, it's the Florida Cindy, previously known as the Idaho Cindy! Haha!

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  2. Cindy... I was wondering ;) Thank you!

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  3. absolutely beautiful joan! i am so excited for you to create awesomeness in arizona--because it follows you wherever you go. please send me a picture when you hang up your print! i can't wait to see it. i just picked up mine today (i got it printed at costco on canvas and i LOVE it). thanks for seeing beauty in my creations. LOVE YOUR GUTS!!!

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