Tuesday, October 8, 2013

coming home

between life's misfits
and life's deviations'
we find ourselves.

7 years ago
Mike & I sat @ home with the realization that we were about to embark on an unwelcome but necessary adventure.

I remember 
Conference Weekend 2006.

my mom & three sisters were all gathered in Utah, helping my sister Janell plan her wedding.
I grabbed my phone, and with tears puddling in my eyes
numbly needing to be a part of something extraordinary

I sat on the hard ground of my sun warmed back patio 
needing to feel a part of this grand celebration.

Inside I was dying.

My sister Annie wouldn't let me hang up the phone
"Joanie - you ARE here with us.  Stay with us"

How does a sister know when you are dying on the inside
How does she know that the small act of just keeping me on the phone
would keep my thoughts off the hell ripping through the inner weaving of my life?

Jump forward 7 years.

Last Thursday
Mike & I drove back from David's doctor's appointment 
7 years ago we met for the last time with David's cancer doctors @ Phoenix Children's hospital
discussing our departure
as we would spend the next years in Utah - embarking on the unknown.

After a time of silence 
driving home
I turned to Mike
"the last 7 years in Utah seem like a blip in time.  Like a life changing vacation"
"I met the most amazing people who have changed my life forever, but feel like I've known them my entire life.  Yet -- it seems like it was only a second"

Mike:  "I feel the exact same way.  Like we were there for just a short vacation".

Returning home.
The moment Dr. Kaplan anxiously (because that's just him) walked into our small pediatric room, the feeling of "home" rushed through me.  

I feel like my 7 years in Utah were a discovery period.
I found me
I found my marriage/best friendship/ spouse
I found my children's true potential.

All along the way I was awarded angels to hold me up
In human form
a list so long - I'm afraid if I started typing someone might get left out.

scott kaylene annie kyle markie janis nellie dan bobby bonnie kamie brook marja jodi jean stacie rachel denise denise sara ray heather heather mccall london jennifer julie leslie grandpa b tiffani aleena mckayla kylene jenn jessica donna stephanie dianne diane mike jenny melissa tawni shirlene - my beehives - young people who I took college classes with who accepted me (the mom)....

I could carry on 

thank you would not be significant enough

when we first moved there
someone told me to enjoy my time there
introduce my children to the LDS prophets while there (the sights)
because my time would be short.

during the learning period
time dragged it's ugly claws in the icy ground
and @ some points time painfully stood still

how I now treasure those moments
that seem so small and significant

but for now
we've come home.

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